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Jokes for the week of 10/18/2003
The rules (for men)
We always hear "the rules" from
the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side. These are
our rules! Please note ...
these are all numbered "1" ON
PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up; put it
down. We need it up, and you need it
down. You don't hear us bitching
about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and
Anniversaries are not contests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet
again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking
about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full
moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long
hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons
guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair,
and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no,
we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be
clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark
birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently
beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes
-- tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair,
out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really!
1. Yes, and no are perfectly
acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if
you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17
months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please. Anything
we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and
void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the
Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably
are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
1. If something we said could be
interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the
other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look
anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do
something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know
best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not
need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to
be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit
whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,
like Windows default settings. Peach
for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We
do that. We are not mind readers and
we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of
how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you
say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it
is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't
want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the
shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. I have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes
1. It is neither in your best interest or
ours to take a quiz together, no, it
doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as
handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I
know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know we really
don't mind that, it's like camping.
1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
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