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Jokes for the week of 12/20/2004
You Might be a Scrooge If, Santa and an Angel, Christmas Family Stories
You Might Be A SCROOGE If... From Charlie Giggle (thegigglefactory@aol.com)
You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carollers away.
You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
Your favorite Christmas ornament depicts Santa Claus shooting a moon
Your favorite Christmas movie is "Jurassic Park".
Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.
You get your Christmas Tree from a rest stop at night.
You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.
Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, brandy, and
bourbon
You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
Your favorite Christmas tradition involves a bonfire and reindeer meat.
Santa and the angel From: LarrysLaughs
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip; but,
there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys
as
fast as they should have, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of
being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where!
More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy
bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the
liquor and there was nothing left to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and;
found that mice had eaten all the broom straws.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the
Christmas tree!!
Christmas Traditions
In Search Of The Perfect Tree By Lori Williams
We don't recall our holidays by gifts and toys. Its more like,
"Wasn't that the year the dog opened all the Christmas presents
while we were at midnight mass?". We always have some "tradition"
that is, in dreams and theory, meant to be something like a
Norman Rockwell painting. Instead, it always turns out more like
an abstract picture where the paint is simply thrown at a canvas.
However, even those are worth something.
There was the humiliating day at the mailbox. It was Dec. 23rd
and I had not yet received a Christmas card. There it was. That
distinctive shaped envelope that was, without a doubt, a
Christmas card. Someone cared. Someone out there wanted to give
me a Hallmark moment. Quickly, without carefully examining the
name on the envelope, I tore it open. Inside I found a brightly
colored card with a dog and cat wearing Santa caps and
cheerfully exchanging gifts. I smiled. I opened the card. The
smile quickly faded as I realized that the card was not meant
for me. It was from my veterinarian and his staff and it was
addressed to the family dog.
Reality hit me. Someone who had
examined my dog...Someone who had done a fecal probe to check
for worms had sent a Christmas card to my dog before anyone sent
me a card! This didn't seem right. I have a gynecologist and he
didn't send me a card. To make matters worse, the family dog was
dead! That was the year we affectionately call, "The year our dead
dog got a Christmas card before we did"...
Let me tell you a little about my family. We are a single parent
family. My daughter at this particular time was 5 and my son was
two. I cherish my own childhood memories and each year I try to
give my children happy holidays to reflect on as they get older.
We had set out to create our own family traditions.
My favorite tradition is when the three of us traipse through the
woods in search of the perfect tree. Our most memorable Christmas
is fondly recalled as "The year mommy fought with a Christmas
tree....and won".
It was our first year to cut down our own Christmas tree. We
crawled through a barbed wire fence and began our search. Not
far into the woods, we discovered a steady downward slope. We
worked our way down and for 45 minutes we looked for the perfect
tree: a decent tree; a green tree. My daughter whined that she
wanted to go to a "Christmas tree store". My son cried because
the stickers bushes kept grabbing him. He quickly developed a
phobia of the prickly little vines and would scream at the top
of his lungs each time he saw one, and he often saw one! It no
longer mattered if it had made contact with his fleeced Sesame
Street pants. Just seeing one brought on the screams. They had
tired of this game and did nothing but complain. Irritation
welled up in me. I told them firmly that this was fun and they
would enjoy it---like it or not.
Suddenly, I saw it. The tree. Hurriedly, I cut it down with the
(of course) dull saw. After 25 minutes of chewing, the tree fell
to the ground. My Ho Ho Ho was pretty much gone by then. As it
was beginning to get dark ,we were no longer enjoying this. The
size of this tree never crossed my mind. We were suddenly faced
with getting it back up the hill. At this point, my 2 yr. old
refused to walk. I had to carry him up a few feet, then go back
to the tree and drag it up to meet him---all the way up the hill.
My 5 year old simply crossed her arms, walked up the hill and
mumbled something about the Christmas tree store.
When we reached the fence, I was faced with getting the tree on
the other side. After 20 minutes, I finally pulled it through the
fence. This perfect tree was no longer flawless. Then to the car.
The kids howled with laughter as I pushed, shoved, cussed,
slapped and ate branches trying to ge this tree into the trunk of
our car. The dimension of this tree still didn't occur to me even
though it hung over each side of the car by several feet. The
drive home was slow and bouncy as the tree threatened to fall
out, much to the dismay of the other drivers on the road that
obviously had lost their Christmas spirit, too.
AT home, I let the tree fall out of the car, secured the tree
stand to it and began hauling this tree into the house, still
oblivious to its size. Once again, I pushed, shoved, cussed,
slapped and ate branches trying to make this tree stand up. By
now, I had acquired a taste for cedar.
Finally, it stood. It was beautiful and majestic! I looked up and
up...and I gasped. The top of the tree bent under the ceiling by
a good two feet. So that you understand how big this tree
actually was, you should know that I lived in an old house. The
ceilings in this house are 10 feet high. At 5-foot-2 1/2, I had
cut down, hauled up a hill, pulled through a fence, shoved into
the trunk of my car and stood in my living room, a 12 foot
Christmas tree. Suddenly the tree began to quiver and lean. I
now know the impact of the word "t-i-m-b-e-r". The tree had
fallen and didn't just lie across my living room floor but also
through a doorway and into my bedroom. I told the kids that we
would push the tree up against the wall and decorate it there
and we would call it a Christmas hedge! They didn't care for this
idea so I began once again, to attempt to make the tree stand.
After another hour of pushing, shoving, cussing and a few nails
through the tree stand into the old wooden floor of my house,
the tree stood. The branches drooped limply as if to say, "Okay,
I give up". I knew I had won!
Of Course Since that time, we started using a normal sized artificial tree.
We have had many laughs over that Christmas as we have had for
the holidays that followed. My children will have happy, and yes,
maybe distorted, memories of Christmas as they grow older.
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Baby Christmas Ornament #1205635
One Little Star Makes a Difference! #1027681
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