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Jokes for the week of 5/2/2005
Word Play and Proverbs
Word Play
The Skunks
Animal control was hunting the family of skunks living in an attic(for capture and release in the wild). When the fight or flightresponse kicked in, the religious mama skunk quietly said, . . ."Children, let us spray."
The New Church
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine oldpipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task thatwas completed successfully. The local news heralded, . . . "St. PaulCompletes Organ Transplant."
The Will
A wealthy man had a falling out with his two sons. It was seriousenough that he decided to change his will. At his lawyer's office, hethrew his will on the table and said, . . ."This needs an heircut."
The Bank
The new bank didn't have enough funds to construct a safe place tokeep it's money. Until it had accumulated the necessary funds, it useda temporary storage location and . . . took out no-vault insurance.
The Butcher
A man walks into a butcher shop and orders a pound of sausages. The butcher prepares the order, then says, "I bet you the price ofthose sausages that you can't get those pieces of meat down off theshelf behind me." The man regards the shelf carefully, then says: "I'm not betting.... . The steaks are too high".
Fishing
I have just been thinking about the all times I used to spendfishing. A favorite technique was to find a nice tall Ponderosa at theedge of a stream. I would sit down in the shade in front of it andcast my line into one little eddy after another. I really enjoyed ...those days of casting swirls before pine.
- From dcoble
PROVERBS YOU SHOULD KNOW:
* Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if hegets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never triedbefore.
* My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
* It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
* I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of myface.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
* Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
* Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
* Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
* No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
From: "Little Frank"
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