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Jokes for the week of 12/13/2001
Top 10 Reasons for chanuka, 12 days of Christmas updated and other holiday Jokes
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY EVERYONE SHOULD CELEBRATE HANUKKAH
No. 10 No big, fat guy getting stuck in your chimney
No. 9 Cleaning wax off your menorah is slightly easier than dismantling an 8-foot tall fir tree
No. 8 Compare: chocolate gelt vs. fruitcake
No. 7 You get to learn cool new words like "Kislev" and "far-shtoonken-ah"
No. 6 No brutal letdown when you discover that Santa Claus isn't real
No. 5 Your neighbors are unlikely to complain about how your menorah is blinding them senseless
No. 4 It's like a big reunion when everyone gathers at the Chinese restaurant on Christmas Eve
No. 3 In a holiday character face-off, Judah Macabee could kick Frosty's butt
No. 2 No need to clean up big piles of reindeer poop off your roof
And the Number One reason why everyone should celebrate Hanukkah is:
**. None of that Naughty-Nice STUFF **EVERYONE GETS LOOT !!!
HAPPY HANUKKAH !!!
Twelve Days of Christmas - 90s Style
Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is
ONE: Finding a Christmas tree. ****
TWO ---- Husband (2): Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a
Christmas tree.
THREE ------ The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Inebriated man (3): Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And
finding a Christmas tree.
FOUR ----- The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging up
the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
FIVE ----- The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3:
Hangovers, 2: Rigging up the lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas
tree.
SIX --- The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b
i l l s, 4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Rigging
up these lights, Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
SEVEN ------ The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Angry man (7): The Salvation Army, 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e
m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Sending Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez! 2:
I'm trying to rig up these lights! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
EIGHT ----- The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Loud
kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS! 7: Charities 6: And what do
you mean, "your in-laws"?!? Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4:
Oh, making out these cards, 3: Edith, get me a beer, huh? 2: What? We
have no extension cords?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree. ****
NINE ---- The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Another
frustrated man (9): No parking spaces, 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!! 7:
Donations! 6: Facing my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l
s, 4: Writing out those Christmas cards, 3: Hangovers, 2: Now why the
hell are they blinking?!? Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
TEN ---- The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Toy-
commercial voice (10): "Batteries not included", 9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!! 7: Get a job, ya bum!!! 6: (sobbing) Oh, facing
my in-laws, Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: Yo, ho! Sending
Christmas cards, 3: Oh, Jeez, look at this! 2: One light goes out, they
ALL go out!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
ELEVEN ------- The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials, 10: "Batteries not included", 9: No
parking spaces, 8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!! 7: Charities!! 6:
(sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her! Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i
l l s, 4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people! 3: Oh, who's got the
toilet paper? 2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!! Chorus: And finding
a Christmas tree.
TWELVE ------ The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: A
few guys: Singing Christmas Carols, 11: Stale TV specials, 10:
"Batteries not included", 9: No parking? 8: WAAAAAAH!!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! 7: Charities! 6: Gotta make 'em dinner! Chorus: F i v e
m o n t h s of b i l l s, 4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you! 2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE
LIGHTS!!!!! Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
Ways to annoy your roommate at Christmas
1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to
bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get
off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting,
"Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the
room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp
objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you
never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy
kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When
it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and
Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah
Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have
mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th
Street.
17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts
first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends
"give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel
gets his wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"
over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he
sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your
roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at
the inn."
25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions.
Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
History of Religion
Before there was a ban on school prayer, we were taught the histories of
different religions to
increase our knowledge of other cultures. It was nice that so many of the
cultures taught at the
school were also represented by fellow classmates.
During the winter time, Gentiles and Jews alike were taught of the miracle
of the oil and the
celebration of Chanuka, and the "Dreidle Song.". On the flip side, Jews and
Gentiles were taught
of the miracle of the virgin birth and "Away In A Manger."
During the spring, we learned about Easter and Passover. The teaching was
geared more towards
cultural enlightenment rather than religious conversions.
One day, during a Passover lesson, we discussed some of the traditional
foods of the holiday. Of
course, matzos were discussed. The teacher asked us to use the word "matzoh"
in a sentence.
One student replied, "Matzos are eaten at the Seder."
Another supplied that, "Matzos are made without salt."
No, it wasn't I, but someone else who never quite got all the lessons,
thought long and hard
before replying, . . . "Time Matzos on!"
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