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Jokes for the week of 5/16/2005
This week is a collection of really stupid (but funny Jokes)
One-Liners
"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it." -- Steven Wright
"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number." -- Unknown
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Duhhhhhh!!!!
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river.
The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black, was standing on the church steps after the funeral, receiving condolences, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
"I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?"
"Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars."
"Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write."
"Nor swim either," added the widow.
Half Baked Invention!
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave, "So why don't you sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
Good for the kiddies
Did you hear about the inventor who came up with a knife that would slice two loaves of bread at the same time? He sold it to a large bakery for a handsome profit.
Shortly after that he developed a knife that could slice three loaves of bread at the same time. He sold that one for an even greater profit.
Finally, he came up with the ultimate bread slicer. This huge knife could cut four loaves of bread at the same time! And so was born the world's first four-loaf cleaver.
Burglar
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (..repent and be baptized....)
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture??" replied the burglar, "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
One Line Attacks at Men
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A dog is always happy to see you and a dog only takes a couple of months to train
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
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Perot
Beachball the Clown
Bouquet the Clown
Polka Dot the Clown
Basset Hound
Boxer Sitting
Nipper the RCA/Victor Dog
Panting Dog
Toy Dog Sitting Dog
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