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Jokes for the week of 11/8/2001
Teen Wisdoms, Grandma, 2 Idiots, a Fool, Sayings
This weeks Jokes are courtesy of my cousin Gene
Teen Wisdom
A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them,"
Grandma vs. Court
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get any younger?"
What?
A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the two were only one stroke apart. The clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force...slicing the ball deep into the woods.
The clergyman glared, and bit his lip while his face turned crimson, but said nothing. His opponent looked at him for a moment and then remarked, "Reverend, that is the most profane silence I have ever heard."
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"
Idiot Story 1
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, in spite of the estimated 35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed.
He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine," according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31.
Mr. Michaels was launched directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us," McFadden reported, "followed by a loud thud."
Amazingly, he suffered only minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michael's said, "Like when they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was sure I wouldn't get hurt."
-Idiot Story 2 -
In an Inuit village, a young man was searching for a way of getting drunk for free because he had no money to buy alcohol. So he mixed gasoline with milk to get his buzz. After he drank it he became ill and vomited on the fireplace in his house which in turn ignited his vomit and burned his house down killing him and his sister.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
8. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
A fool
A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
Sayings to Live by
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." -F. P. Jones
***
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather Straps.
***
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
- Emo Philips
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