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Jokes for the week of 2/21/2005
Stupid Gift Hall of Shame
"The Stupid-Gift Hall of Shame"
from alt.jokes
Sender: Randy in Boulder, Colorado
Seeing the Light
The worst present I ever gave was a set of automobile fog lights to
my girlfriend. They were used. She got me back: she married me.
However, I got the last laugh: we're no longer married, but I got
custody of the fog lights!
The worst present I got for Christmas was a divorce (uh... this was
several years later). Sure, she let me have the house, but SHE got
my 4x4 Sport Utility Vehicle.
Sender: Neil G. at Lincoln University in Pennsylvania
Spare Me
My fiancee had just bought a used car with one of those donut spare
tires. So for Valentine's Day I gave her a full-sized spare tire for
her car. I wrapped it in pretty wrapping paper with a big bow.
Note: We have been happily married now for nine years.
Sender: Michael K. in Baltimore, Maryland
Blinded By Hormones
Several years ago at Christmas, early on in a new relationship, I
was looking for a gift for my then-girlfriend that would be a little
bit on the intimate side, and decided on massage oil. Having never
before purchased massage oil, and not being the most observant
individual (blinded by hormones?), I chose a small bottle somewhat
randomly.
Much to my dismay, however, I had not really thought to ask why this
particular bottle of massage oil was labeled "Cellulite Oil," nor
what that meant. Not surprisingly, her reaction to the gift was not
quite as amorous as I had intended ...
She married me anyway, though!
Sender: Marc W. in Washington, D.C.
It's a Dessert Topping! It's a Floor Wax! It's ...
I have an aunt who, some years ago, bought what was apparently the
entire annual output of Vermont maple syrup in half-pint flagons,
and gave them (repeatedly) as gifts to my mother, father, brother,
and myself.
One year we all got the maple syrup again and thanked her (I had to
settle for "Thanks, I just ran out of the last bottle"). My frugal
mother, who was apparently stockpiling her supply in the event of
some suburban Armageddon, had put together a small basket of gourmet
condiments as a gift for me. In it, she gave me a bottle of the
syrup that had been given to her in some previous year. My mother
also gave my brother one of her stash. While I remained silent, my
brother announced, "Hey, I got TWO bottles of maple syrup." My
aunt, of course, began worrying that I had been shorted because she
had mislabeled the package containing my yearly ration of Vermont's
finest.
I had already nudged my bottle under the sofa, but pretended to look
through my gifts, and announced that I had indeed been shorted. The
necessary exchange took place when to my horror I realized I had
already used my thank-you line for the year. While I quickly racked
my brains for a properly appreciative response, my then-girlfriend
piped up, "Hey, you can make me maple-syrup ice cream."
I married her 14 months later.
Sender: Keith L. in Boca Raton, Florida
Right Color, Wrong Gift -- Take One
On my parents' first Valentine's Day as a married couple (two months
after they were married) my father -- the passionate, romantic soul
that he is -- bought my mother ...
A pink mop, mop bucket, and sponge set!
That's all.
No jewelry hiding inside the bucket, no plane tickets taped to the
bottom, no nothing.... Just a good practical mop bucket.
[Editor's Note: I didn't see the problem with this one, but Kim gave
it a high score, so I included it. ;-) ]
It makes me wonder how I ever came to be ...
Sender: Jeni H. in Washington, D.C.
Right Color, Wrong Gift -- Take Two
I once got a red pooper-scooper from my mother for Valentine's Day.
To this day, I'm not sure if she just got the gifts mixed up; the
dog got a really nice sweater ....
Sender: Krisen P. in Chicago, Illinois
One Relationship Too Soon
The worst gift I ever received: A wet/dry Dustbuster from my
boyfriend. I thought he might have put something else in the
Dustbuster box, but he didn't.
He gave his next girlfriend a pair of diamond earrings. At least he
learned from his mistake.
Sender: Jane H. in Decatur, Georgia
One Relationship Too Late
For our first Christmas, my boyfriend (who still carried in his
wallet his ex-girlfriend's Victoria's Secret wish list with
pertinent sizes, "in case he wanted to buy her a blouse for her
birthday or something") gave me a secondhand book on Fuzzy Logic.
Now, fuzzy logic is cool and all, but it just doesn't compare to
Victoria's Secret.
[Editor's Note: My advice to Jane: "Dump him." ;-) ]
Sender: Amanda C. in Grand Rapids, Michigan
Amour-Propre Ad Nauseam
A friend of mine was dating a guy who gave her one of those shirts
with his picture on it. He also put the word "Stud" above the
picture.
Needless to say, they broke up soon afterward.
Sender: Gerald S. in Providence, Rhode Island
Size Really DOES Matter!
My ex was complaining one year about how small all her gifts were.
She didn't know that one small box held keys to a new car. She
complained often and to everyone about how she had no large gifts
under the tree, so I decided to teach her a lesson. I went to Sam's
Club, bought a 24-roll pack of paper towels, took it home and
wrapped it. She was as happy as could be -- until Christmas morning.
That was the first package she opened, and I thought she would beat
me to death before she opened her other gifts.
She still refers to that Christmas as the year I gave her paper
towels. It's her favorite story.
Sender: Miekel M. in San Jose, California
Proctologist Makes House Call to Extract Gift; Film at Eleven
My friend's boyfriend gave her an "Ab-Roller" [an exerciser to firm
one's stomach]. It was a couple of weeks after she'd had his child.
She is already in good shape, BTW.
Sender: Rich D.
Next Year, Give Her a Dustbuster
I got a couple of oil filters and a case of oil from my S.O. one
Christmas.
She said she was short on money and, seeing as how I took such good
care of my car (a Fiat Spider), thought it was appropriate. I
suggested that next year she put "Fiat" on the name tags of the
gifts for the car ....
Sender: Tony K. in Pasadena, Texas
Cause of Death: Assault With Christmas Gift
My best friend Doug is an avid fisherman. In an effort to spend more
"quality time" with his wife, he came up with what he thought was
the perfect gift for Christmas.
His wife is from a large family that all gets together on Christmas
Eve to open their presents and have an unofficial "I got the best
present" contest.
She could hardly wait to open the HUGE box under the tree and show
off. When it was finally her turn, she tore off the wrapping to find
... her very own "Porta-Potty" for the boat.
Doug says she never used it.
Sender: Lynn H. in Ellensburg, Washington
Stupid Guy Tricks
Last year my mother brought her new boyfriend to the family
Christmas party. His gift to me was a cheap box of mixed make-up --
BRIGHT, eye-watering colors that even a cheap prostitute would
hesitate to wear, and heavily perfumed.
I had talked to him on several occasions prior to this; he was aware
of my severe skin allergies, and anyone with one good eye could see
that I do NOT wear war paint. What's worse is that after I opened
the box, he just couldn't wait to tell me about the great deal he
got on that make-up. Oh, he was so proud of himself: He was at a
wholesale gift show and needed a comb. Passing a booth with make-up,
he found a kit with a comb in it. He bought the kit at the wholesale
price, removed the comb for his own use, and saved the rest of the
kit in case he needed a gift for someone sometime.
BTW, he's already told me what he's getting for my mother this year.
A face lift! Honest! I'm gonna miss that guy ...
Sender: Bernie M. in North Sydney, Australia
But It Makes All The Decaying Food Particles Smell So Good!
A couple of years ago, my father gave me a bottle of after-shave for
my birthday. He was somewhat perplexed that everyone else was
laughing when they realized what he had given me -- I have had a
beard for over a decade, and am not one of those bearded men who
"shape" their beards in any way. No trimmed edges, nothing.
The postscript to this story is that, last night, my sister told me
that she talked my father out of buying after-shave for my birthday
again this year.
Sender: Rich B. in Phoenix, Arizona
Worse Than a Fruitcake
I think the worst Christmas present I ever got was a Bible.
I got it from my grandparents, who *know* that I am an atheist.
[Editor's Note: Last I checked, Rich, Christmas was *supposed* to be
one of those non-secular things, anyway. ;-) ]
Sender: Bryan in California
It's The Thought That Counts
My friend has an aunt who used to give a box of old rags to
newly-married couples as a wedding gift. Her thinking was that since
everything the couple had would be new, they would need some old
rags to wax the car, clean the bathroom, etc.
That must have been one very hard thank-you card to write: "Thanks
for the rags, they're just what we needed."
Sender: Chad W. in Tempe, Arizona
I Don't Care If It Rains or Freezes ...
Bad Gift: Jesus of Nazareth Bobbing Head Doll for the Car Dash.
I did not receive this or give it, but I was there on Christmas a
few years ago when the present was opened. I'll never forget the
facial expression of the recipient.
Sender: Jon W. in Rockford, Illinois
The Importance of Good Observational Skills
I'll make this one short and simple: A box of coffee stirrers.
I drink my coffee *black* ...
Sender: Av A. in Arlington, Virginia
Redneck Christmas, Take One
From a co-worker: A lawn statue of a huge ugly rat with his tongue
hanging out, carrying a rifle.
Sender: Mark M. in San Antonio, Texas
Redneck Christmas, Take Two
My best (worst) gift so far was from a crazy relative who will
remain nameless. She gave me and my uncle each a pair of thermal
socks, used, still dirty, and presumably from a garage sale. I still
don't know what I did to her to deserve that!
Sender: Pete G. in Kamigori, Japan
Take a Hint, Son -- Take One
During my second year of college, my step-mom gave me one gift ... a
hand-made windsock.
Yes. A windsock.
I lived in a freakin' dorm! What the heck was I supposed to do with
windsock? I mean, I know it's the thought that counts, but what was
she thinking?
[Editor's Note: Maybe she was hoping you'd take up skydiving ... (?)
]
Sender: Paul A. in St Louis, Missouri
Take a Hint, Son -- Take Two
For my high school graduation I received a set of luggage. My
younger brother got golf clubs. Do you think that my parents were
trying to tell me something?!?
Sender: Ellen M. in Waterford Works, New Jersey
Christmas Stocking From Hell
My girlfriend's mother is truly a loving lady with no taste. Last
year she gave me, among other things:
* a Chia Pet that was so old the seeds never sprouted,
* a book that was missing 34 pages because of faulty binding,
* four key rings,
* and tooth picks with dental floss on one end (my teeth are
bridged and capped).
Sender: Rebecca B. in Auburn, Alabama
Grandmother From Hell
My grandmother is so cheap...
* She sent me a jump rope last Christmas, with the $1.50
price tag still on it, in case I wanted to return it "for
another color." I am 22 years old.
* Last year, she sent my sister and me flannel shirts, each
with a zodiac sign on it. Only they weren't our zodiac
signs. It was all the store had left, she said, and these
were on sale ....
Sender: Johan S.
Only If You Already Know You're Going to Flunk the Final ...
My chemistry professor always came late to class. So, last
Christmas, I went out and found the loudest ticking clock I could
find, and sent it to him in a neatly-wrapped box. He didn't
appreciate it.
Sender: Dave O. in Peabody, Massachusetts
Buttering Up The Relatives
Two years ago my brother gave my aunt a butter churn with a picture
of a cow on the side. Not exactly what my vegetarian, lactose-
intolerant aunt had in mind....
Sender: Robert Slade, North Vancouver, Canada
More Reading Material
I publish daily technical book reviews on the net; I therefore read
at least one technical book every day. I subscribe to at least 35
computer and technical trade journals, a number of which come
weekly. I also have to spend at least two hours every day just
trying to keep abreast of my email (much of which, for example
HumourNet, is vitally important and *must* be read as it comes in).
[Editor's Note: Useful pointer: Sucking up to the moderator is ALWAYS
good for a couple of points on the Collage-O-Meter. ;-) ]
What did my parents give me this year?
A subscription to "Reader's Digest."
[Editor's Note: To see Rob's book reviews, point your browser at:
. Also, for a
*very* entertaining browse, see Rob's review of *his own* book:
. ]
Sender: Scott J. in California
Splurging
... the [worst] would be when my friend's aunt gave him a blue Bic
round stic medium ball point pen. Not a package of ten pens, but an
individual pen in the $0.39 package, all wrapped for Christmas.
I think he even used it to write his thank you note to her.
Sender: Sheila W. in Calgary, Alberta, Canada
No Jury Would Have Convicted
I'm betting this one can't be beat: My brother remembered my twin
sister's birthday and forgot mine. Go figure.
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