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Jokes for the week of 4/10/2003
Silly Passover Songs,Quotes from the church bullentin, What non-christians should do in church!
Silly Seder Songs For Passover
Passover Story
Sung to the tune of The Brady Bunch
It's a story, about baby Moses, who came floating down the river called the Nile
Pharaoh's Queen was there just to catch him and so he stayed a while.
Its a story about Jewish builders, who were tired of building Pyramids. All of them were
slaves just like their Mothers and just like their kids.
Until one day big Moses talked to Big G. That's G-O-D and that spells Moses's God.
He said you just leave and go to Israel I won't make it hard.
So then Moses asked old Pharaoh let my people go. He said "For Real"!, no Moses
never no. So the 10 plagues were brought to Pharaoh and he said Moses go.
Your people can go. Now Moses go. That's the way Pharaoh said now Moses go.
Moses
Sung to the tune of The Flintstones
Moses, he's our Moses he's the man that took us for a tour
Out of, Pharaoh's Egypt went the children that he soon would lure
Come sit and eat matzah all week long. Listen to our prayers and to our songs of
Moses he's our hero he's a really really good time, a forty year guy he's the one that set
us free.
Moses Island
Sung to the tune of Gilligan's Island
Just recline right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of dreadful trip. That started with ten
awful plagues brought onto Egypt, brought unto Egypt.
The boss he was a Jewish man raised as a Pharaoh's son. Then G-d he did come
calling and soon the fun begun, soon the fun begun.
More blood, such frogs, and all those bugs, Pharaoh could just barely see. The Jews
were really scoring points and soon they would be free. and soon they would be free.
They shlepped and shlepped for forty years across a desert land. He went up to Mt
Sinai and a party soon began, a party soon began.
Moses, the Pharaoh too, Aaron and his wife. Marianne the skipper too here on the
desert land.
Quotes from church bulletins:
1. The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing
for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies
will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
Thanks to Tweety
50 FUN THINGS FOR NON-CHRISTIANS TO DO IN CHURCH
1:Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say:
"If you're bad in here, you'll go to Hell."
2:A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled
sermon is entitled "Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
3:Put stray dogs in coat closets.
4:Un-tune the piano.
5:Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
6:Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
7:Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat
SAYEEEEE-VED?"
8:Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead
concerts.
9:Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a
dollar, and tell him to ask the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or
crucified?"
10:Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
11:Start a wave.
12:Do cool things with the lighting.
13:When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection"
and "Oliver Klozoff".
14:Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
15:When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are
they gonna do another SONG?"
16:Make up your own words to the songs.
17:Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and
say: "Oh shit. This isn't the wedding!" Run out quickly.
18:Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
19:If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T
SHUT THAT DAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
20:Dress all in black, or in camo. Act like you're having flashbacks.
21:Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it
in your ear as jewelry.If you are male, wear two. Change sets for the
evening service.
22:If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching
shorts. If you are male, wear a floral-print dress instead.
23:At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce
that you can see an image of Jesus.
24:Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and
socks.
25:Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first
mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
26:Inflate balloons, then send them off.
27:Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side
cartoons.
28:Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Add the
words "in bed" after each one.
29:Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
30:Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
31:During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what
you're doing, tell them in a childlike voice: "These are dinosaurs. They
ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
32:Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor.
Discreetly light them.
33:Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned,
especially Stephen.
34:Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how
good
it is.
35:When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper
with Pat Robertson's MasterCard number.
36:Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and
lick them.
37:Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
38:Blow bubbles.
39:Fake a possession.
40:Distribute condoms.
41:Speak in tongues.
42:Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
43:Drool in the collection plate.
44:Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After
they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
45:After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When
someone points out that Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act
embarrassed.
46:Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
47:At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a
wristwatch embedded inside.
48:Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones
depicting comical, erotic, or death-related imagery. Send the bill to
the pastor.
49:Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
50:Spread the word that there'll be a rave at the address of the church
next Saturday at midnight.
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