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Jokes for the week of 8/29/2001
Seattle, Microsoft Terrorists, Landlords, Money For Nothing & Blonde Surveillance
You might be from Seattle, Washington if you:
- Feel guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash.
- Use the words "sun breaks" and know what it means.
- Know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.
- Obey all traffic laws EXCEPT "keep right unless passing."
- Never go camping without waterproof matches and ponchos.
- Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
- Hear the word "ferry" and think of boats and long waits.
- Know more people who own boats than own air conditioners.
- Stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for
the light to change.
- Know at least eight people who work for either Microsoft
or Boeing.
- Are amazed by an accurate weather forecast.
- Consider if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently
erupted, regardless of altitude, it is a "hill" not a "mountain".
- Only honk your car horn if a collision is imminent,
NEVER for anything else.
- Go to a really nice bar and sit at a table.
- Invite twice as many people as you really want to a party
since only half will actually show up.
- Consider etiquette a foreign word.
- Complain about Californians as you sell your house to one
for twice what you paid for it.
- Know what Lutefiske is.
- Personally know someone from Alaska.
- Resent being called a "wierdo".
- Consider floating bridges a pain in the butt,
not an engineering marvel.
- Drool at the world's worst B-B-Q sauce.
- Find a wallet with $500 in it, and give it all back
to the owner.
- Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye Salmon.
- Know how to pronounce "Sequim", "Puyallup" and "Issaquah."
- Used to live somewhere else, but don't admit it in public.
- Consider swimming an indoor sport.
- Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, and Thai food.
- Have roots in Oregon, Idaho or Montana, but wanted a high paying job.
- Are currently working as a computer consultant in Portland.
- Have ever tried to get a job in Alaska, especially a summer job only.
- Think skiing always means being covered from head to toe,
on snow or water.
- In winter, go to work in the dark and go home in the dark,
but only have an eight hour day.
Ancient Landlords
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient
castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone
in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all
those years."
"Wow," said the New York woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord
I have!"
Windows Logo Part Of Terrorist Plot
Technicians at the FBI Steganographic labs have uncovered an embedded
"watermark like" image embedded in the Microsoft Windows logo. Using
Steganographic code "B", authorities have revealed that complete
instructions for creating a portable nuclear bomb have been embedded into
the startup graphic that is part of WindowsME. The image has been traced to
Osama Bin Laden.
Microsoft plans to release a patch with a photo of Barney watermarked into
the logo to replace the bomb instructions. Barney had no comment.
Money for Nothing
Some congressmen are so upset about how much the government
pays farmers not to grow wheat, that they want more money
not to accept bribes.
Blonde Surveillence
Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a
blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and
shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a
stewardess to his seat and said, "I have a live grenade in
my pocket. I'll blow up the plane if you do not divert to
Cairo."
Perplexed, the stewardess said, "But, sir. This is TWA
flight 1219 to Cairo."
"Damn!" replied the blonde passenger, "I got on the
wrong plane."
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