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Jokes for the week of 2/5/2002
SURVING VALENTINE'S DAY and VALENTINE'S DAY GIFTS
A MAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING VALENTINE'S DAY
By Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, February 10, 2000
If you are a man, chances are you have forgotten that Monday is
Valentine's Day. Now that you know, this seems a good time to pause for
a large hysterical fit.
The angst you are feeling right now stems from a complete lack of
understanding about what makes a woman feel romantic. I don't know
either, but I did look it up on the Internet.
Not counting about 5,000 Web sites that seem to correlate the word
"romance" with "hot mamas," here's what I found out.
HOW TO ROMANCE A WOMAN: Call her. Hug her. Compliment her. Smile at
her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her.
Give her jewellery and flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to
her. Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
Conversely, if a woman wants to romance a man, she would only need to
show up wearing anything remotely revealing, including a
hazardous-material suit.
This may sound like an oversimplification of gender romance differences,
but it isn't far from reality. It's always Valentine's Day for men, if
you get my drift. Women need a special day.
Because it involves a woman's feelings, Valentine's Day is something of
a mystery to men. So is the top of a box of Cheeze Doodles, but we'll
save that for another column.
The following is a basic guide to Valentine's Day survival for men,
which was faxed to me by the nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous,"
formerly known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the woman know that you
care. The least expensive way is to look at her -- preferably somewhere
on her face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]." If you forget
her name, don't bother with the rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A Valentine card is an acceptable nonverbal token of
appreciation. Best of all, it's cheap. Good Valentines are pink with
lots of lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my sugar bunny
forever and ever and ever and ... " Bad Valentine cards say, "Good for
one free quart of motor oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason that makes no sense,
women regard chocolate the same way men view beer. While a handful of
M&Ms is OK, women tend to expect something a bit nicer. Wrapped for
starters. By the way, since the candy is supposed to be for her, she's
going to notice any test bites. Stay out of it.
STEP FOUR: Jewellery. A bit pricier, especially if you didn't bother
with steps 1-3. If you did, you might get by with a small but hideously
expensive ring, necklace, or tiara. Keep in mind that most women, even
in Utah, do not consider aluminium, tin or a Mylar balloon to be a
precious metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Few men are smart enough about women
to figure out their underwear. Not only does it have to be the right
size and calibre, it must also match any of the approximately 8 billion
feelings she currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the clerk
that you're looking for something that can't be used to strangle you in
your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples with more than 0.002
kids. Studies prove that not even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler
is beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price toy. Depending on
the size of your family, the romantic getaway may have to cross at least
three international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for trying. So do
something. Anything is better than nothing. If you don't believe me, I
can show you last year's knot on the back of my head.
== == == == ==
THE SWEET SCIENCE OF VALENTINE GIFTS
By Rick Steelhammer (February 6, 2000)
I realised Valentine's Day was rapidly approaching when my shopping cart
collided with a rack of boxer shorts decorated with dancing hearts and
open-armed teddy bears while making the rounds at my neighbourhood
all-night discount store.
Figuring out what to buy for Valentine's Day has always been a problem
for me. Deciding what not to buy is easier, as in the case of the
festive holiday boxers, but doesn't solve the initial problem.
Consultations with a variety of Web sites showed me that there is no
shortage of gift ideas out there, but I'm still hard-pressed to decide
what to get. I've narrowed it down to something between a $250,000
Neiman-Marcus/Nature Conservancy offer to donate a scenic, ecologically
important parcel of land in my significant other's name to Wal-Mart's
Valentine's suggestion of a Remington nose and ear hair trimmer, which
lists for $9.96.
I'm hoping to avoid joining the ranks of thousands of other guys who
find themselves desperately cruising the all-night groceries, truck
stops and convenience stores on the wee hours of Feb. 14, looking for a
gift that won't disappoint their sweethearts. (Hint: An off-colour card
and a jumbo Snicker bar probably won't make it.) But you can go crazy
finding the perfect gift.
Actually, losing your head is nothing new when it comes to Valentine's
Day.
Contrary to popular male legend, the holiday was not the brainstorm of
the greeting card industry, but a tribute to Valentinus, a bishop of
Rome in 269. Valentinus ignored an edict by Emperor Claudius forbidding
Roman soldiers from marriage, to prevent them from leaving the army for
family life. Valentinus was discovered presiding over secret marriage
ceremonies for soldiers and their women and imprisoned. While in jail,
he miraculously restored the sight of a blind girl. According to the
legend, just before he was beheaded on Feb. 14, 269, he sent the girl a
note signed "From your Valentine."
The rest, as they say, is history -- though I have a little trouble
understanding how a tribute to a beheaded martyr has evolved into an
observance marked by the exchange of chocolate-covered cherries and
heart-festooned underpants.
Even the rounded, triangular-shaped design used to depict the heart
bears little resemblance to the pump that distributes blood through the
Valentine-buying public. Fact is, it much more closely resembles the
prostate gland, which middle-aged males like me worry about at least as
much as our hearts.
But there's little chance that we'll see Valentine greeting cards with
copy like this:
"Be with me, love
Come hold my hand
I feel your presence
In my prostate gland."
© Copyright 2000 Sunday Gazette-Mail
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