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Jokes for the week of 11/20/2001
Pet Customer Service, Married Men, and Pregnancy Stamp!
Pet Customer Service
How Many Calories In a Mouse?
The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, respond to calls and e-mails from pet owners across the U.S. and Canada. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:
"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering...how many calories are in a mouse?" -- cat owner, Omak, WA
"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - cat owner, Colorado Springs, CO
"Does your dog food help with emancipation?" - dog owner, Lockport, NY
"What should I feed a borderline collie?" - puppy owner, Van Fleck, TX
"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - cat owner, Chicago, IL
"Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - puppy owner, Miami, FL
"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - cat owner, Los Angeles, CA
"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?" - cat owner, Amarillo, TX
"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" - dog owner, Anchorage, AK
"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - pet owner, Ephrata, WA
"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - dog owner, Flushing, NY
"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - kitten owner, Ontario, Canada
"I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" - cat owner, Wentzville, MO
"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - puppy owner, Chico, CA
"Where can I get a six-toed cat?" - cat owner, El Paso, TX
"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" - pet owner, North Tonawanda, NY
Iams Customer Service says: "Although these questions make us smile, they're legitimate calls from concerned pet owners," says Sally Northcutt, Manager of Customer Service, The Iams Company.
"If it's about dogs and cats, we're here to help, no matter how unusual the inquiry. But we do let pet owners know when they're barking up the wrong tree."MORE GREAT DOG QUOTES:
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."-- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."-- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."-- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."-- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."-- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you."-- Unknown
"Life is like a dog sled team........if you aren't the lead dog, thescenery never changes."
(Found on the Iams Company's Web Site)
What Every Man Expects In A Wife
She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that
she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.
"What He Usually Gets.... "
She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you.
Pregnant Stamp
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a a magnifying glass, come back and see me."
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