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Jokes for the week of 8/3/2001
Math, Bad Lawyers Bushisms and a Proverb.
Good At Math? From AudRey
A mother and father were worried that their son would refuse to learn math
at school, so they sent him to a Catholic school , the boy came home , ran
straight to his room and slammed the door. This behavior went on every
school night for the next two months , at the end of which the parents were
asked along to meet the teachers. They feared the worst but , to their
surprise , their son's math teacher revealed that the boy was doing
excellent work and was at top of the class. " So what changed your mind
about learning math?" they asked the boy when they returned home.
"Well ," said the boy , " on the first day I walked into the classroom , I
saw a guy nailed to a plus sign at the back of the room , and I knew they
meant business. "
You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:
- The prosecutor sees your lawyer inthe hall,
and they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to
sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack
Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those
little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the
judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As
Ally McBeal once said..."
Bush Blunders
Dec 1, 1999
My [tax cut] plan is realistic because it avoids meaningless 15-year
projections GW Bush
Philadelphia May 14, 2001
For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal
shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just
unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.
Gothenburg, Sweden June 14, 2001
We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a
nation that suffers from incredible disease.
Beaverton, Or Sep. 25, 2000
It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of
our imports come from overseas.
Omaha, Neb Feb. 28, 2001
Those of us who spent time in the agricultural sector and in the
heartland, we understand how unfair the death penalty is.
Florence, S.C Jan. 11, 2000
Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning
NPR Oct 9, 2000
As I mentioned to you those are answeres I give when questioned.
Beaufort, S.C Feb. 16, 2000
How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that
simply suckles kids through
Quote is from a Bush speech in Iowa Feb 14,2000
I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah
it's right. Well no it's not right that's why I said no to it
Austin American Statesman Dec 18, 1999
I saw the report that children in Texas are going hungry. Where?
You'd think the governor would have heard if there are pockets of
hunger in Texas.
Philadelphia May 14, 2001
For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal
shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just
unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it.
Ending with a Proverb:
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
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General Robert E. Lee
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