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Jokes for the week of 4/23/2001
Family Jokes (not my family though)
Last week my family submitted jokes. So the only fair thing was to start poking fun at families! Just not mine. :-)
From: anzac (anzacis@paradise.net.nz)
Subject: Bad Dog Jokes do tend to get re-written ya know...
Jokes do tend to get re-written ya know... the outline is the same, but characters get swapped and changed around....
"MoonUnit426" wrote in message
I love this joke! I have it in a "reader's digest" book from the 1950's and it's still good! (it was a guy in the hearse though and a guy noticing it, and the dog killed his wife and his mother in law)
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The bystander couldn't stand the mystery. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
The onlooker inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
From: cerberus@mystacy.fsnet.co.uk
Subject: Mom's calling
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.
"You were perfectly right.
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
From: mr-fbi-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Subject: Wife not speaking to me
A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
Subject: Cut my dogs tail off
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said, "I need you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, shocked. "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Well, my wife's mother is arriving tomorrow, and I don't want there to be *anything* to make her think she's welcome."
Subject: Ugly Aunt Christine
Little Johnny walks up to his Aunt Christine and says, "My Gosh, Aunt Christine, why are you so darn ugly?"
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. and screamed, "how could you say to your aunt Christine is so darn ugly!"
"Because she is," said Little Johnny.
His mother said, "You go back in there and apologise to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Christine, I am sorry you're so darn ugly...."
Subject: A fella was saying to his friend
A fella was saying to his friend, "My wife seems to have developed some sort of fixation that her collection of fur coats will be stolen. When I came home early one day last week, I found she'd hired someone to *guard* them! In fact, she stationed the poor guy right inside the closet!"
Subject: Driving The Opposite Sex Crazy
Driving The Opposite Sex Crazy
Drive Your Man Crazy:
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1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2. Organise his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains, innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7. Repeatedly misplace the cordless phone, preferably in a different room each time.
8. Repeatedly lose his cellular phone in restaurants around town.
9. Loan his precious cellular phone to a pregnant girlfriend who "needs it more than he does."
10. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
11. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
12. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
13. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.
14. Superglue the pages of his Little Black Book together.
15. Give the secret stash of dirty magazines that he thinks you don't know about to his younger brother, who he hates.
=====
Drive Your Woman Crazy:
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1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodelling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh! Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a valid murder defence in many states.)
All these dysfunctional family Jokes come from alt.jokes archives
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