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Jokes for the week of 3/12/2002
Failed children's titles, New age Lullby and more baby jokes
Children's Books That Just Didn't Make It
Coutesy of Mister FunnyBone
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
New Age Lullaby
Coutesy of Mister FunnyBone
Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball
And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand
And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick
And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank
And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones
And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart
And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest
And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.
A Texas longhorn.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just
produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from
all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds
at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed
25 pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his
shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised
The Top Changes Now That The Baby Has Arrived
Hubby drops to No.2 on the list of people drooling at the sight of your breasts.
Finally, someone you can beat at "Got Your Nose," at least for a year or so.
You develop a liking for minivans, sensible shoes, and a deep-seated contempt for Michael Jackson.
You're not so tolerant of strangers asking to touch your round little belly anymore now that you're just FAT.
Goodbye, Happy Hour -- Hello, Happy Meal!
Can't leave the AK-47s under the couch anymore.
No longer get arrested for whipping out your breast on the subway.
The realization that caca comes in a rainbow of lovely colors.
Well, there goes the pet dingo.
Cases of Bud Light quickly replaced by cases of Butt Wipes.
Junior looks adorable in his little "sandbox," but the cat is seriously torqued about it.
For efficiency, your paycheck now direct-deposited to Disney.
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