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Jokes for the week of 7/18/2001
Computers From Mars or Venus? Only in the USA and Sleeping on the Job
Are Computers from Mars or Venus? (forwarded to me by Jay of JaysJokes.com)
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Top 25 Excuses For Getting Caught Sleeping In Your Cubicle
1. I was just waiting for the mighty 386 computer you gave me to finish compiling the data on the work efficiency project.
2. It's okay...I'm still billing the client
3. This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
4. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
5. I was working smarter, not harder.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. I'm in the management training program
8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper
9. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
10. Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
11. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
12. I'm increasing everyone else's productivity by reducing my oxygen consumption.
13. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance
14. I was up all night tracking down hackers that were trying to break into our system. Luckily I was able to hold them off!
15. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
16. Testing my cubicles sleeping conditions satisfies ISO-9000 norms.
17. Quickly say "Amen" and explain that you were just praying for the wisdom to "work smarter, not harder"
18. Me, snoring? No, that was my floppy drive!
19. If I sleep in my cubicle, I can spend more time in the office because I don't have to sleep at home.
20. Statistics prove that people who take a short nap after lunch get more accomplished than people who don't.
21. I got wrapped up with my project last night and haven't gone home yet, I must have dozed off.
22. Recent developments in computer monitor design allow me to project information directly onto my eyelids.
23. I was just testing my eyelids for holes. So far I haven't found any, but I must keep looking!
24. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
25. Hypnotized by my screen saver.
Only In America (Submitted by Harry J Thomas Jr.)
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America.... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poll in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
12. Only in America would we send this message.
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