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Jokes for the week of 1/10/2005
Cars vs. Computers, & What your car says about you!
What if Microsoft Made Cars?
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A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until
after that year instead of before it.
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Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have
to buy a new car.
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Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you'd
have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
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You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless
you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
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Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the
sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast -- but it would only run
on 5 percent of the roads.
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The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would
be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
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People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft
cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars
for years.
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We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
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The U.S. government would be getting subsidies from an automaker,
instead of giving them.
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New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
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What if People Bought Cars Like Computers?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --
but imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and
turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from
your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come
I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't
go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel,
with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline
vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you
tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a
car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and
then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the
product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions
that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can
I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose
your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help
you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to
go places in my car!" |
Automotive Acronyms
PROTON
Possibly the Riskiest Option
to Travel On-road Nowadays.
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Business, Money and Woman
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car
Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On
Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually
Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive
Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns
On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Found On Russian Dump
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got a Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything
else.
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's
Driveable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously
Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make
Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven
Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice
This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless |
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