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Jokes for the week of 5/5/2001
The Bible and Everything
From: Mr F-B-I (mr-fbi-subscribe@yahoogroups.com)
Subject: Uncovered "The First Page Of The Bible"
The First Page Of The Bible
They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:
"Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved. First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.
All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.
WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.
NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstruel happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.
DSBN 0-000000-0000-1
Suggested retail: 1 sheep."
Subject: The TRUTH about everything!!!
From: dcoble
The TRUTH about everything!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-=[ PLEASE NOTE: THIS IS AN ESSAY BY PAUL EGAN, OF MAckAY, QLD ]=-
-=[ PLEASE GIVE HIM CREDIT WHEN YOU COPY THIS JOKE ]=-
This is the truth about everything. That everything you have been told is all lies lies and more lies. That you don't even exist. That we are all figments of our imaginations. That our imaginations don't even exist. That we might be just figments of a parallel universe's inhabitants' imaginations!
Consider movement: when you drop a ball from your hand, it hits the ground. Actually, it never leaves your HAND, let alone touch the ground. This can be proven like so. The ball falls halfway from your hand to the ground in a certain length of time. Then it travels half the remaining distance, also in a certain length of time. It keeps on traveling half the remaining distance to the floor. BUT - you can keep halving and halving the remaining distance unto infinity. This means that there is an infinite number of "certain lengths of time" and therefore the ball will never reach the floor.
The inverse is also true. Before the ball gets to halfway to the floor, it must travel for a certain length of time. Keep halving the distance and you will end up with an infinitely small distance between your hand and the ball. So the ball never leaves your hand. MOVEMENT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Consider life: the universe is basically infinite. Therefore, there are infinite numbers of galaxies, the solar systems within the galaxies and the planets orbiting the stars. HOWEVER, it has been proven that only a finite number of planets can support life. But anything finite divided by infinity is negligibly small (i.e. zero), so LIFE IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Consider matter: it's made up of atoms. Those are made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. Those are made up of sub-atomic particles - leptons, gluons, muons, etc. THOSE are made up of the smallest particles - quarks. A quark is merely a point in space. Now, from our maths teachers in primary school, we learned that a point has no size. Therefore, if matter is made up of quarks (which are points in space), therefore matter has no size and it does not exist. MATTER DOES NOT EXIST.
So now you know - MOVEMENT is impossible, LIFE is impossible and MATTER DOES NOT EXIST. THEREFORE, WE ARE ALL NON-EXISTENT AND WE ARE ALL IMAGINARY!!!
-=[ we interrupt this essay with a newsflash: the revolutionary ]=-
-=[theoretical scientist Paul Egan has disappeared in a puff of logic]=-
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