If this is not the type jokes you were looking for,
check out our past weekly jokes In our Archives
Jokes for the week of 9/17/2001
Barbie aging gracefully and Holy Seating Reservations
Forwarded to me by my Mother (By way of my Aunt Helen)...
Finally a Barbie I can
relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her
and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-
lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames
too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and
Martha Stewart Living,
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and
watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of
perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held
fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels
shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy
tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with
these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy
front,too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels
have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched
feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters,
then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet
and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from
Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader
is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school
megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg
blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a
change, and Alonzo(her personal trainer) is just along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa
Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard toDo."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance ,
steps.Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a
little copy of the Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken
sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes
with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch
with Your Inner Self" is included.
Special Message Sent in by Gene (for our Religous readers)....
HOUSE OF WORSHIP SEATING REQUEST FORM
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the
seating arrangements in the church/temple/synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat
which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire
and return it to the office as soon as possible.
1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest:)
___ Stock market
___ Sports
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ General gossip
___ Specific gossip (choose:)
___ The rabbi/pastor/preist
___ The cantor/choir master
___ The cantor/choir master's voice
___ The cantor/choir master's wife
___ The rabbi/pastor's wife
___ The cantor/choir master's wife's voice
___ The gabbi/church elder
___ The gabbi/church elder's wife
___ The gabbi/church elder's "secretary"
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbors
___ Your relatives
___ Your neighbors' relatives
___ Ex - President Clinton
___ Ex - President Clinton and Monica
___ Sex (Preference: ______________________ )
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other: _______________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Nutritionist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Mother in law
___ Podiatrist
___ Chiropractor
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Lawyer
___ Criminal
___ Civil
___ Real estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Buyer (Specify store: _______________________ )
___ Sexologist
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near the window
___ In Aruba
___ Near the bathroom
___ Near my in-laws
___ As far away from my in-laws as possible
___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
___ Near the pulpit
___ Near the Kiddush/refreshment table
___ Near single men
___ Near available women
___ Near anyone who's available-I'm bisexual or just not particular
___ Where no one on the pulpit/bimah can see/hear me talking during services
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
___ Where I can sleep during the sermon [additional charge]
5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider
joining another congregation.)
_________________________ __________________________
_________________________ __________________________
_________________________ __________________________
Your name: _________________________________
Building fund pledge: _________________________
With best wishes for a happy, healthy, and productive holidays and New Year, and may you all get the seats you request.
Check out our past Jokes and Humor In our Archives
You don't like these jokes? Then you take the blame!
Send us some funny ones! We will make sure to give you full credit! :-) |
|
|
|
|
|
|
