I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.  

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.  

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.  

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds *amazing*.  

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.  

I had to stop driving my car for a while...  the tires got dizzy.  

My neighbor has a circular driveway...  he can't get out. 

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the place.  

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."  

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the driving...  every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...  I don't remember what it was.  

I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some people must be really tired.  

A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so fast?"  I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an accelerator.  When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine.  The whole car just takes right off.  And see this thing?  This steers it."  

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."  

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."  

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you  
can go." 
 

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"  

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.  

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...  when I came back the entire area was missing. 

Found on Rec.Humor 
Posted by Rob Simmons (tyr@ix.netcom.com) 
Following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempt to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.  

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.  
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.  
3. I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up, when I put my head through it.  
4. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.  
5. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.  
6. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.  
7. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.  
8. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the enbankment.  
9. In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.  
10. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.  
11. I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.  
12. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.  
13. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.  
14. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.  
15. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.  
16. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.  
17. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.  
18. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.  
19. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.  
20. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.  
21. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.  
22. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.  
23. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front end.