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Jokes for the week of 4/11/2005
A Bunch of Mother Jokes
"Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to
their elderly mother.
The first said, ""I built a big house for our mother.""
The second said, ""I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.""
The third said, ""I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and
you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite
the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth
it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.""
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
She wrote to the first son, ""Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in
only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.""
She wrote to the second son, ""Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all
the time, so I never used the Mercedes.....and the driver is SO rude.""
She wrote to the third son, ""Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to know what your mother likes. ""The chicken was delicious.""
The worst mother in the world jokes!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like running in circles!
mom: Shutup, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?
mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England.
mom: Shut up and keep swimming.
son: Mommy, Mommy, I'd like to play marbles now!
mom: Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glasseye today!
son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to play poker.
mom: Shaddup and deal.
son: Mommy, Mommy, what's a werewolf?
mom: Shut up, kid, and go comb your face
Mr FBI wrote:
""Mummy, where do babies come from?
""The stork, dear.""
""Mummy, who keeps bad people from robbing our house?""
""The police, dear.""
""Mummy, if our house was on fire, who would save us?""
""The fire department, dear.""
""Mummy, where does food come from?""
""Farmers, dear.""
""Mummy?""
""Yes, dear?""
""What do we need Daddy for?""
Ok, I said for you to just wait till you hear the next one! So, here it
is! I don't know what K-Mart should do with people like my mom and grandma,
so I'm not going to make any suggestions for this one.
One evening I went with my mom and grandma to K-Mart. Now, my grandma is
just a little over 5 feet tall and she is pleasantly plump, as I always say.
She kinda reminds me of those Leprachaun's! Regardless of her behavior,
I think my grandma is a cute granny!
Upon entering the doors of K-Mart, our shoes were wet from the snow melting
outside. My grandma started to slide her boots across the floor, which
caused them to make squeeking noises. You know, like kids do when they go
into stores! Well, not only did grandma do this, but my mom started in
doing it too! Everyone was staring at my mom and my grandma while I just
lagged behind them, as if I didn't know them. They did this most of the
time that we were in K-Mart. But this wasn't all they did.
My mom had brought a can of pop into the store with her. The can only had
a little of pop left in it, so it wasn't long before mom was carrying around
an empty can. We were back in the gardening section and there was an
unoccupied cart sitting there with a few things inside it. We assumed that
the owner was the one who was about 10 feet away down the isle. As we passed
the cart, mom nonchalantly set her can inside the cart. As soon as we were
to the next isle we all started laughing. I guess it was just imagining
the gal finding that can in her cart and wondering how it got there that
made us start laughing!
As if that wasn't enough, when we got to the drapery department, grandma
found a hat that someone must have changed their mind about buying and had
set it down. It was a baseball cap that said something like ""Hot Mama"".
Grandma put the cap on her head so that the bill was sticking out to the side
and she proceeded to do the Steve Irkle walk and the Church Lady dance!
See why I posted anonymously? who would actually want everyone in the
world to know what their grandma and mom do in K-mart and Wal-Mart? :)"
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